Secrets
by Meranna
Summary: Deep waters are silent. The thought flits across my mind and I realize… this shit is deep. It's a gaping hole in the earth and I want nothing more than to pack it with all dirt and grime that I can. I don't want this insatiable bottomless pit anymore. I want everything to be easy. I hear my mother's words and they are spoken softly like a caress. It's never easy, Theodore.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey guys! If you've already read these, I would like to let you know that I'm going through and revamping/correcting any mistakes. Feel free to follow along!**

 **XOXO, Meranna.**

 _Secrets, Chapter 1: 2.0  
year one_

There is a combination of sausage, streaky bacon, and back bacon on a platter in front of me; steaming and popping fresh from the skillet, a large bowl of baked beans; with a crystal ladle sparkling in the natural light from the bay window behind me, tomatoes that have been cooked in every way; fried in bacon grease, stewed, and grilled.

I have both toast and fried bread sitting on my plate ready to be devoured, but the most important is the eggs; two with runny yolk, another poached and the last simply scrambled.

I barely manage to reach the eggs from across the table. That's all I eat anyways, my toast and the eggs with the runny yolk. Twinkie, the house elf, cooks all this food and I leave it to go to waste _every_ time.

I wish mom were here. She would eat with me. Then, I wouldn't have to spend my day alone. Mom was beautiful. She had a soft face, small nose and smiling eyes. Her eyes told me stories, no… secrets, which her mouth couldn't always say. I know her secrets, though. I am still the only one with her secrets. I can't tell. It won't help. She told me it wouldn't help, not yet.

 _I will never tell._

I must be silent with rolling thunder hidden in my core.

 _"Boy"_

I flinch.

"What in the bloody hell are you doing with all this fucking food about?"

I don't say anything. He has that swaying walk about him again. That walk is never good. I can't wait until Hogwarts. Hopefully everyone there knows how to walk straight.

It will be an escape.

"I said, _what. The. Fuck._ Are you doing with all this damn food?"

"Yes sir," I can hear myself respond, but I'm not aware that I'm actually saying anything, "I'm quite hungry…" My voice is weak.

This is a lie, of course. I've already explained I only eat the toast and eggs. Twinkie always tries to shove this food down my throat. She means well but being wasteful makes father angry.

"Are you, now?" He knows that I'm lying. He always knows.

"Yes, sir." I leave it as short as possible. I don't want to talk to him anymore and I don't want Twinkie getting the brunt of his anger, either.

"You better eat every bit of it or..." I can see he's walking around me like an lion stalking his prey in my peripheral vision. "Do you not remember?" His grinds his teeth together, it's almost as if he's trying to hold the violent impulses back... "Must I remind you?"

 _Almost._

"Yes, of course I remember. There is no reminder needed." My stomach turns, I can't eat all of this food and at those implications, I've lost what little appetite I had in the first place.

"What did you just say to me boy?" His voice is dangerously low, "You dare tell _me_ what is and is not necessary? You think you make the rules here, do you?"

"No, sir. Of course, I will eat it." I don't look at him because I'm terrified. My eyes are cast down and I'm picking off the crust of my toast with my fingernail, waiting on him to leave. I don't want to see the hatred in his eyes and I don't want him to see mother in mine.

As soon as the thought crosses my mind there is a shift in the room. The air is stagnant. He is no longer stalking his prey. He's about to pounce.

I brace myself for whatever is coming.

" _You fucking look at me when I'm talking to you_!"

My heart drops to perform a backflip in my stomach and I swear he can read my mind. I _know_ he can. He knows. He _always_ knows. I resist the urge to move uncomfortably, no matter how bad the feeling is gnawing at my insides. I force myself to look at him, at the spot between his eyebrows. I can't look in those eyes. I _wont_ do it.

"You pathetic excuse for a pureblood! You don't even have the courage to look at me! LOOK AT ME!"

My head jerks involuntarily, as if I'm being forced… it wouldn't be the first time. "I AM!" I shout back, unable to hold back the rage that is building with the momentum of a freight train. I can no longer fight the hatred that boils inside of me. I know I'm walking a fine line. I know he's going to punish me for talking back, for talking at all… but I can't do this anymore. I'll be gone soon… two more weeks until Hogwarts.

"YOU DARE?" He snarls at me. Has he always been so… vicious?

The air is growing thick and I wonder if he will be able to backhand me so easily this time. Surely, he knows that one day this will come back to him. One day, I'll do what I was born for. _Secrets_. He _doesn't_ know that, actually.

I must be silent. _I must keep my thunder rolling in my core_. I must have the strength to remain passive. I can't allow my anger to over come me.

Control. I must rule my mind or it will rule me.

I must become a silent shell. Empty and silent, it's all the same.

I do not respond to him. I have already allowed myself to get carried away. Waiting for the strike is always the worse part. I yearn for the beating because the sooner it comes, the sooner it will be over.

"Master Nott."

Twinkie, she's here, talking in her voice that is so high one would think only dogs could hear it.

"What is it you little shit?" His teeth never part; he's speaking through them.

"Master Malfoy is here… and he's brought the boy." She squeaks loudly.

"Show him in." he turns around to face me once more, "Looks like you have someone to help you finish this food, boy. We will finish this later." And he walks out.

I sigh after he leaves the room, feeling relieved even if it is temporary… even if it will only be worse later… even if this never ends.

"Hurry the fuck up!" I hear father shout at the house elf and then I catch the sound of what I can only imagine to be a swift kick at Twinkie's little body and a strangled outburst of tears. He is clearly taking his anger at me out on the elf.

I find my father intolerable and I have since my mother died. He was nothing to me before; he was a silent figure in the background until he became angry, now… It's worse. He is always angry. It's better to be alone, because that way, he can't hurt me.

He's the only person I see every day. I still try to feign indifference but that's the thing about hate. It's hard to fight off. That feeling you have in your gut when you see the person you loathe, it's all you can do not think about it, and then you're just thinking about not thinking about it. At least, that's what I do.

He and Lucius Malfoy have been meeting often this summer. I'm not sure if I believe there is a motive that involves me or not. Lucius doesn't always bring Draco. Part of me wonders if he knows that my father is psycho, maybe I just hope he knows. Maybe I hope he never finds out. I don't know what I want.

Draco does know, though. He doesn't say much about it. Just begs me to come home with him when he and his father leave my house. I would say yes but that's the only thing worse than saying no. If I say no, I can stay home and try to avoid everything. If I say yes, I have to go to the Malfoy manner and look at her. I'll have to see his mother, his loving mother, who thrives on giving her family the best. It's not just materialistic things; it's the love and adoration that's written all over her face, too.

She is someone who would take in a pureblood child without a second thought, but that's not something I can do. I have to come home at some point and that makes it so much worse; there is no love here. Father and I will have a discussion about the visit. It's the same one every time I come back.

 _'The Malfoy family is very important to keep ties with. That's the only reason you're allowed to go there. You best make friends with the boy: Draco. Without him you'll surely be nothing. Do you understand me? You are nothing. Worthless. You're a waste of my pureblood. You have none of the desirable traits of a Slytherin - of my lineage or myself.'_

 _'Yes, sir.'_

 _'Do you think you're getting smart with me? If you want to prove yourself, you would do well to follow in Draco's lead.'_

Draco doesn't see in his father what I see in mine. My father, he's too far gone. I don't want Draco to deal with the same thing I do. I don't know that I could wish this on even my enemies.

"Nott."

"Draco."

"You're such a dung. Why don't you ever use sir names?"

"You know this, _Draco_." I emphasize his name and he rolls his eyes.

"Maybe I do, but I still think you should try to act like you care. Your father _might_ relax."

It's my turn to roll my eyes. He is always saying the same thing, hoping he will break through to me.

"That might be worse than actually caring."

Draco scoffed and looked at the food that was splayed out in front of us.

"I hope you haven't eaten." I mutter, "Thoros has just demanded that I eat all the food or else."

"Fuck that and for your information, of course I have eaten. Who do you think is raising me? A muggle?"

"Shut up, Draco." He's so unbelievable. He loves being a follower. He'll learn one day. He'll see - it's not as nice as you think it is. He'd be nothing without a family that loves him. Strip that from an 11-year-old Draco Malfoy and what do you have? A Theodore Nott.

I can't say I blame him for the way he is. I might be the same way if things had turned out differently, if my mother hadn't died just after my 9th birthday. I think that's why we're friends, though. I know I would be more or less just like him. It makes him easier to deal with. He's a self-righteous prat and he's _eleven_. I shake my head and brace myself for this amount of food I'm about to push down.

"How bad is it?"

"It's gotten worse." I admit because I know he wont stop pressing until he gets his bloody answer. He's unyielding when he finds something that he wants.

He says nothing and I'm grateful. We pile our plates up and I eyeball my food. I'll probably have to throw up later.

"My mother has a plan."

"What are you on about?" I look up at him and his face has softened. Pity.

"For you. She wants to help you."

There it is - the realization that they do, in fact, know my father is a lunatic. Who else knows?

"Your Mommy and Daddy can't help me Draco. I don't want it. I don't need your pity. I will be fine. We will be at Hogwarts soon." I stab the sausage with my fork.

"Not permanently."

He ignored my jab about his parents completely. I wish it had changed the subject. I wish he would let it go. Just… let it go.

"No. But it will be better than this." I mumble through a mouth full of sausage.

"Yeah, it will… while you're there, but you and I both know you have to come back. Look," Draco paused and grabbed a piece of bacon waving it around for good measure, "Teddy… I know what your father thinks of my family… Our name. I know you don't feel that way, okay? You don't give a rats ass and that's _why_ we are friends, yeah?"

"You think we're friends because I don't care if you're a Malfoy? I think you're a little mixed up, mate."

Another piece of sausage down.

" _No_ , I'm not. I am your friend because I know that you would be friends with me _regardless_ of who I am. You think I can't tell when people are only nice to me because of my family? I mean, I wont say I'm not damn proud, because I am." He plops the bacon into his arrogant little mouth.

I laugh at his admission, as if that wasn't already obvious.

"I'm serious. Them…" he said, referring to no one in particular, "I don't have to give them a reason to like me, and I don't particularly want to because they will follow me around anyways. You are a different type of person. I want you to come stay with me until Hogwarts starts, because you are my friend." Draco looks like he is in pain, as if this admission was going to kill him.

I let him stew.

"I don't know."

"You've already said it's gotten worse. It's not going to get better. You have another two weeks. Why put yourself through this, when you can just stay with me? My parents have already approved, even though father will act as if this is news to him." He takes in a mouthful of baked beans and I briefly wonder how he's eating such a large bite.

I think about this for sometime. I know my father would never say no to Draco or Lucius. He has high hopes that I will bond with Draco so ferociously that I become him. It's something I've long since gotten over.

I used to have friends over all the time, until mother passed. She used to push me into play dates with Miles and Draco. Miles would bring Cash and Draco always had a different follower with him. That's something my father took notice in. He admired it. He wanted me to have that arrogant, self-righteous, and pompous, I don't give a fuck presence at the ripe age of seven. Yes, Lucius Malfoy can breed them well. Or so everyone thinks.

"Fine. Go lay the groundwork. I'll finish eating."

A smirk grows on his face and I know this was going to fall perfectly into his pampered little hands.

"Don't talk about this conversation. _Ever_. It never happened."

Back to his normal self again, spoilt and snappy.


	2. Chapter 2

_Chapter 2.1 - The Malfoy Estate_

I arrive at the Malfoy's estate and Narcissa's thin arms immediately bombard me. I can tell she is trying to save face; she doesn't want to be like this. I wonder what my mother would say.

"Thank you, Mrs. Malfoy, for your hospitality."

The words are laced with gratuity but I feel as if they are mechanical.

"It is no problem at all, dear. I do hope you enjoy yourself."

I nod to her, not unkindly.

Draco shows me my room. It's three doors down the hall from his and we have a common bathroom between the two of us.

Nott manor isn't as large as this but I am nothing more than mildly surprised we are sharing a washroom. I'm just happy he's left me on my own for the night. If there is one thing I appreciate about our friendship, it's that we can read one another.

I strip down and get in bed. I lay there, thinking about what it must feel like to act like a real 11-year-old. Maybe I'll find out. I'm free until June. I allow myself a smile. A real smile, until I'm in tears.

I'm crying for my mother and her untimely death, for my father and how wicked he has always been, for my small escape and myself. Tears of hate, despair, and joy are all leaking from my eyes and I don't think I've ever felt this many emotions at once. It's difficult and I vow to never do this again. No more tears will be shed.

I _must_ be silent. I _must_ keep the thunder inside. Don't let it come out to play. Not yet.

My mother taught me a lot of things when we were away from my father's watchful eye. He thought she was making me soft. Maybe she did, but I'm grateful for that. I will never be like him. He is bitter and full of hatred. She was kindhearted and taught me things others never could. She told me I must learn to hide who I am in this world we are living in. She said that everyone hid who he or she truly was unless they were simply evil or foolish.

Her words are constantly ringing in my ears. It's like she's here giving me advice and lecturing me on my outburst. I can hear her loud and clear in my head, but when she would tell me these things, it was always in a hushed voice, a whisper here and there.

 _They will try to bury you, Teddy, if you don't conform to their ways. There is something they don't know, though. You are a seed, Teddy. If they try to bury you, you will only grow stronger. Let them think what they want, but you're much more than them - more than your father, already._

She told me much more, many things I have never understood. I still recite her words in my head, I must hold on to her. She's going to save me in the end.

I finally fall asleep humming a song she used to sing to me. I've never heard it anywhere else, she knew so much and I'll never know how she learned all of it. The trials and tribulations that she must have faced to make her so wise…

 _Come sit beside me, my only son_

 _Wont you listen_

 _To what I say_

 _If you do this_

 _It will help you some day_

 _Take it slow dear_

 _Don't live too fast_

 _Because troubles will come_

 _And troubles will pass_

 _You'll find a woman_

 _And you'll find love_

 _Just remember my son_

 _There is someone up above_

 _Be a simple kind of man_

 _Be something you love and understand_

 _Baby, be a simple kind of man_

 _Wont you do this for me son_

 _If you can_

 _Don't you worry_

 _You'll find yourself_

 _Follow your heart_

 _And nothing else_

 _You can do this if you try_

 _All that I want from you my son_

 _Is to be satisfied_

I wake with a jolt, startled when I don't know where I am. I see my bags and realize that I'm at Malfoy manor. I hear a light breathing outside my door and wonder briefly exactly who is standing there.

"Theodore, dear, breakfast is ready. Just how you like it." Her smile is soft.

"Yes, ma'am. I'm up." My voice is thick and it's obvious that I am not up.

"We are eating on the terrace. It's a nice day, we couldn't let it go to waste, could we?" she steps back from my door and she's gone.

"No, we couldn't." I mutter under my breath.

I know what that is… What she's implying. She wants today to be a good day. She wants us to be happy. My mother may be gone but I remember her distinguished mannerisms. I see them in Draco's mom. I need a moment to breathe. I try to count to ten but Draco is at my door when I hit six.

"What's got your knickers in a twist, Nott?"

I have to fight off this emotional crap.

 _Shallow waters are noisy, deep waters are silent. Bury it deep, Theo._

I throw my emotions into the pit or the ocean or whatever it is I do with them. Maybe I burn them; maybe that's why I can't get rid of them because the flames are engulfing me from the inside out?

"Not wearing any." I smirk and stand up, changing the atmosphere in the room immediately. I'm eleven, at an awkward stage in puberty, and I don't care.

"What the bloody hell! Put some fucking pants on! I don't want to see your nads! Christ!"

"What was that I just heard? Was that a muggle reference?" I laugh at him; such a hypocrite. His face contorts and its clear he doesn't understand.

I pull my trousers over my waist and pop the band.

"What are you talking about?"

"Christ… You don't know?"

"Know what?" He snaps, clearly miffed he's missing out on something seemingly important.

"It's a savior or a god or something. A religious thing."

"How do you know?"

"Where have you heard it?" I demand of him. My mother used to say that phrase when she was annoyed with something tedious. I knew father hated it because I would see his features tighten and his face become dark. I finally asked her about it and she actually laughed over it.

Draco's jaw tightens, "My governess."

"Governess? As in – "

"Yes, damn it. Don't bring it up again. Let's go eat breakfast before Mother has a come apart."

"Whatever you say." I pull a shirt over my head and follow him out of the room.

"Your hair is dreadful."

"Yours looks like my grandfathers."

"Fuck off."

"You know, you could make your point without being so vulgar."

He looks at me as if I'm stupid, "Nott. Don't tell me your going to be a little girl, now. Jesus, your father –"

I really couldn't hold back my snort at this point. I've got to meet this governess and see what game she's playing at. It's too good not to be intentional. He's clueless and all for good reason, but I wont let him get caught referencing muggles around anyone important.

"What the fuck is it, Nott?"

"You. Keep. Referencing. Muggles. Have you never thought maybe you shouldn't repeat something unless you _know_ what it is?"

"Are you fucking kidding me? Goddamn it!"

Tears. I have tears streaming down my face and the laughter is loud. I know his parents have heard me. The low moan of a chair being scraped across the ground sounds. I take deep breaths to stifle my snickers in enough time to tell Draco I will explain it all to him later. Lucius steps through the French doors and beckons us to the terrace.

"Narcissa is going to throw a fit if the two of you do not join us, now." His silver eyes are narrowed, jumping between the two of us.

Lucius isn't to be messed with but he's not going to harm us like my father so willingly would. He would make us do something tedious and 'beneath us'… house elf work, possibly. I wouldn't doubt it if he would taunt us for it afterwards.

I eat fried toast and runny eggs. Draco is picking over a little of everything his mother plated for him. Spoilt.

"Theodore, I do hope you slept well?"

"Yes, ma'am." I keep my words short and try not to sound clipped. I am grateful to be here, but she is so motherly it hurts. I can barely manage to look at her. I keep my attention on my food. I can feel her eyes on me. She's searching me… trying to read me… I wonder what she thinks.

"Lucius, dear, can you take Draco to inspect the work in the gardens?"

"Absolutely, love."

They are gone and I still haven't looked at her. I don't know what to do. It's awkward and I wish I could go back inside. I wish I could follow Draco and Lucius.

"Theodore."

It is not a request; I have to look at her. I shut my eyes tight and will myself to keep control. After a sharp intake of breath, I allow my eyes to meet hers and I hate what I see. She's crying. Her shoulders are not heaving and her breath isn't labored, either. She has silent tears cascading down her angular cheeks and my heart drops.

Silent tears.

That's the only way to cry in this world. Silently. So no one knows unless they are looking directly at you. Even then, you declare it a trick of light.

Keep it in the core, Theo.

"No, no, what is it? I… I… What did I do? I'm sorry… I am very grateful to be in your home. I truly appreciate this. Thank you for your hospitality. You have been more than—"

She holds her hand up to silence me. I don't know what's running through her mind and I wish for the first time that I could do whatever it is that my father does. Whatever it will take to keep her tears from falling.

"Stop. I do not feel disrespected in the slightest." Her voice is even and I wonder if she was crying after all.

"Yes, ma'am." I keep it short, scared to engage in more than what she wants to talk about.

"It's that!" she whispers with clear disdain.

"What is it, if I may ask?" I don't understand why she's so upset. I am certainly being respectful.

At that, the tears began to flow more freely and I don't know what to do but stare at her and my mouth is gaping. All I can see is my mother's tears, fresh and hot on her face. There's no denying it any longer. Narcissa Malfoy is crying in front of me.

"Teddy, can you tell me about it?"

"About… What?" Why is she being vague?

"Of course not. I understand. I suppose I wouldn't, either."

"I'll tell you whatever you want to know if it keeps you from crying." My words are still clipped but now they are demanding. I can't help it, my control is wavering and I need her to understand. I don't know what this pull is to make sure she is happy but I am determined.

Maybe I want to please her in ways that I could never please my father. Maybe it's because my ability to get along with women is much more natural than the forced conversations I have with men.

 _It's your mother. She made you soft and she made you worthless._

My father's words ring in my ears and I bite the inside of my cheek until I taste the blood that's pooling around my tongue. I swallow it down with a sip of water and run my tongue over my teeth to remove any evidence I can.

"Tell me everything you can. About your father," I flinch but she continues, "Your mother," I feel myself going ridged in my chair, "Yourself."

"Um, I will try… There are things I'd rather not… share."

"Tell me, sweetheart, are you going to stay here every summer or are you comfortable going home?"

"I couldn't impose every summer… that would be…"

"Completely reasonable and you will if I deem it so!" She snapped and her face turned from sad tears to steaming anger.

"Yes, I will stay here." She visibly relaxes; I can tell that this is what she wants. She's not one to deny. Draco certainly gets this trait from her.

"Good, now that we have that settled… Why can't you look at me?"

I'm shocked. I knew she noticed but I didn't expect that she would be so forward. I don't want to tell her that she reminds me of my dead mother.

"I will look at you. I'm sorry for that, I didn't mean to hurt you."

She waits for me to elaborate. The words that begin spilling out of my mouth.

"My mother told me things. She told me that I am powerful in ways that others are not. I don't know if I believe her… I don't know what she meant; I suppose I will find out, soon. She said because of this, I have to be in control. I have to keep my thunder rolling beneath the surface, in my core. I base everything I do off things that she told me. She is my humility, my passion to do what is right; she made me empathetic, and honest when it is acceptable. She also taught me the master of deceiving; I know how to front like Thoros Nott… if I so please. Everything that I am and everything I strive to be is for her."

Narcissa's tears pick up pace and at this point she's blinking profusely to remove them. I make to get up and hug her. Is this a breaking point between us? Will I be able to see her as more than just someone whose every move reminds me of my mother? I touch her trembling hand and she wraps her arms around me.

"Your mother would be so proud."

"Believing that she is proud is what gets me through."

"She is, Teddy."

I shudder at the pet name. It's different coming from her rather than from Draco's sarcastic tongue.

"If you can so easily be what your father wants you to be, why will you not do that? Wouldn't that be simple? Would he stop?"

"I don't care about pleasing him. Not anymore."

"Of course, but Theo…"

"Yes?"

"You should know that it would make things—"

"It would form a false relationship and I have no desire to have one with him, at all." I mentally berate myself. Why am I telling her all of this?

"Would you allow me to look? Briefly into your mind?"

"Wh— what could come of that? Why do you want to do that?"

"I would like to see first hand, your father. I want to know what he really is when he is alone and in control. Some wizards will act one way when they are truly another."

"I don't think…"

"I'll stop if it becomes too painful. I know this is difficult."

"Mrs. Malfoy, I don't…"

"Theo, dear, I'm afraid I'm not giving you much of an option, I need to know. I am on your side... you should know this. You have my word, I will stop if becomes too painful."

"I… well… okay. What do I do?" I have to get this over with. I can't believe this.

Remain in control.

"It will be quick, just close your eyes and open your mind."

I nod my head stiffly. I don't like this at all.

Control.

 _Keep it in the core._

I feel like I'm twirling, as if I'm walking on a bridge through one of those tunnels at a muggle amusement park, where the walls turn and you're walking sideways. The sensation stops as suddenly as it started and I find a younger version of myself lying in bed and my mother is singing to me.

Then, the vision changes and I see my 6th birthday. I remember it very well, because after all of my friends left, I told mother I wanted to watch the kids in the village play.

This memory is coming in flashes and I don't want it to go any further.

 _Control_.

Mother tells me no, we can't see the other children play today. I don't have to wonder why.

 _Flash_.

I run through my room and out onto the balcony. I can hear them out here; that will have to do.

 _Flash_.

I hear my bedroom door slam shut and my body jumps of it's own accord.

 _I need to regain control._

 _"What did you just ask your mother?"_ his voice is nothing more than a venomous rasp. I'm scared to turn around and face him. I want to act as if he isn't there. Stupidly, this is what I do. I silently look out onto the grounds of the manor and I hope for a savior… God.

"Theodore, I know you heard me. Now, turn around. Face me like a man. And tell me: _what did you say to your mother?"_

 _There is no God. No God would let this happen. No God. There is no God._

This memory has to stop. Narcissa cannot see this. I can feel my stomach twist and I resist the urge to vomit.

Keep it in the core, Theo. Keep it down.

BURY IT.

" _Imperio"_

Ironically it's the spell that allows me to gain back what little control I have over my mind at the point. I can't let this go on any further.

I run out of that memory and into another. Mother is talking and no matter how much I try to focus, I don't know what she's saying. She has a look of utter fear on her face and I can help but wonder where my subconscious is taking me… I don't remember this. I can't let Narcissa intrude on this. I don't even know what this is.

 _Rule your mind or it will rule you._

I push out. I can't see this right now. I'm back and I find myself on the floor of the terrace and Narcissa is shaking above me. I can see her confusion and I can't say I'm surprised. I have confused myself. I don't even know what that _memory_ was.

"How did you do that?"

"How did I do what?"

"Push me out?"

"I didn't want you to see."

"Have you… have you had practice with this?"

"With this? I don't even know what this is."

"Theodore, this is very powerful magic. Magic that someone at the age of eleven should not be able to fight off… You are sure this has never happened before?"

I think about how horrible that experience was. How I could barely keep her out. I would remember something like this, something this blatant.

"I'm positive."

"Your mother, she was right."

"Right? About what, exactly?"

"You are powerful. This will be kept between us."

I nod my head at her and strut out of the room. She can't blame me for this slight show of disrespect. That's not what I mean of it and I am freaking out right now. I go back to my room and try to remember. What was that vision? What was she saying?

xx

* * *

The song that Theo remembers in this chapter is Simple Man.. It came out in the early 70's.


	3. Chapter 3

Okaaaaay, headsupsevenup. This is just a revamp from former chapters 3-10.

First Year.

The station for the Hogwarts Express has a surplus of people running around and saying goodbyes to their families. I'm watching the other kids my age fight with their excitement to go to school and the sadness they experience from leaving their families. Everyone seems to be experiencing bittersweet emotions. Not me, though.

Draco is much too proud to say goodbye here, at Kings Cross… He cried in his mothers' arms before we left the manor. All about the outward appearance, right? I scoff and roll my eyes.

I catch Narcissa looking at me out of the corner of her eye and I can tell she wants to hug me. I slightly incline my head towards her and let her know I'll miss her, too.

She clearly can't hold back because she immediately wraps her arms around me.

Silent waters, I must have silent waters.

My shoulders tremble. I clinch my eyes shut. No more. The tears are on the verge and I can't do this here. I need her to back off. No more tears. I swore to myself I would never cry again. I pat her on the back, twice, and begin to pull away.

"Mother, we need to get on the train before all the good spots are taken." Draco whines but I know it's a show. He's trying to help me in the only way he knows how. Conniving little turd he is.

"Yes, of course." She still hasn't released me. Her hold is firm and I know letting us go is breaking her heart.

Finally, Lucius makes his presence known. I can feel the heat from his body, his hand on Narcissa's wrist. "Dear, you are making quite the scene, hugging a boy that is not ours."

"He is my boy! We are all he has!" She hisses vehemently at him.

Lucius takes a step back with surprise at her sudden hostility.

I can't say that I blame him. I would have stepped back, as well, if I weren't being confined in her arms.

"You know that is not what I was implying, dear." He soothes; "Of course I would take Theodore as my own!"

They are shouting in whispers. Lucius gently rubs his hand up her arm. "Do not make this difficult for the boy. You are going to have him in tears before he boards the train."

He fought back against her, though it was not in any way malicious like my father would have reacted, it was calm and rational. It made sense, the things he was saying. I realize briefly, that he truly does value Narcissa's opinions. He cares for her mind. He loves her.

If I had not been so close, I would have never noticed this small confrontation. This simple little scuffle that was over with and resolved in just a matter of minutes rather than a knock down, drag out fight like it would have been with Nott Senior. The way Lucius and Narcissa handle all things with one another… it's love and devotion.

She releases me at once. When she looks into my eyes, I know she see's my pain. I can see it in hers, too. It's like she knows exactly what I'm feeling. I wonder if when she delves into my mind she gets a feel for my emotions as well?

"Give him a glamour charm and let's go." She says under her breath. Her lips unmoving— Her gaze unnerving— Her demeanor relaxed to the average person but so stiff to me.

That is the thing about the Malfoy's; they are always discreet and perceptive. They know what they are showing others and they see through what others show them. They trust few, far and between.

To be considered in this way by Draco and his parents will always surprise me. I know that they have always worried about me and Narcissa was only too willing to help me. I have never expected Lucius to act this way, as well. I never imagined Narcissa would be so ferociously passionate about someone other than Draco. Who really cares about me?

Her mood is sour at this point and I don't think it was necessarily because she let me go. When she saw the pain in my eyes, I could see the hatred in hers.

The fire that would only be extinguished with the death of my father is in her, too.

She cares about me.

The Malfoy's, the unfeeling family, care about me.

"Let the thunder roll beneath, Teddy." It is a whisper on my skin - a reminder that sends chills up my arm. I feel my hairs stand on end and I cross my arms to rid the feeling.

After Narcissa delved into my memories that day, she talked me into allowing her to continue daily in an attempt to lock my mind completely. She convinced me when she said I would be in complete control over my own mind and no one would ever be able to dig through my thoughts without my will. It was exhausting and embarrassing. It still is. She has seen things that I never wanted to relive. Things no one should ever see. She also saw my most treasured memories.

Narcissa knows everything about me. I'm sure Lucius knows, as well.

"Best be off then," Lucius motions for us to board the train and gives me a slight pat on the shoulder, a pat that is meant to be reassuring and comforting. It is.

We find an empty compartment in the back and shut the door immediately.

"What the hell was that, Nott?"

"Your mother… I don't know, Draco. She hurts for me. I've tried to hide everything from her, but that first day at breakfast… She just came right out and asked me. What have you told her?" I narrow my eyes at him. I was hoping to avoid this conversation, but knowing Draco that's not possible. When he finds something he wants, he chases until it's his.

"Asked you what exactly? And, nothing... I've said nothing."

"Anything and everything. She wanted to know details of life with my mother and with my father." I roll my eyes now, "And, seriously if you are going to lie to me then don't expect me to tell you the truth, either." He reaction is immediate and he knows that I've just called him out on his big mouth.

"Fine. I told her what a shit your father is. What did you tell her?" Draco is uncharacteristically eager. Not eager in a happy way, more like he is concerned. I hate this. I want him to let it go.

"Not much at first." Draco rolls his eyes, knowing his mother is more persuasive than he ever thought about being. "Really." I tell him nodding my head once, "Then, she started crying and I told her everything she wanted to know."

I don't want to tell him that I let her into my mind. It's personal. I don't want to talk about the things that she has seen. I don't want to talk about the things I have seen… the things I have experienced.

"Of course, she's used that one on father too many times to take note of… Tell me, what's the thunder beneath?"

"I'd rather not…"

"Look, Nott. I just want to know what is going on with you. And, I want to know what the bloody hell my mother has been so upset about. Don't tell me you don't know. You do."

He's going to be Slytherin for sure. He is so loyal and protective of his family it astounds me. I can't feel that way. I don't have a family. Not really.

"Alright, alright. It's something that my Mother used to say to me… 'Keep your thunder silent, keep it rolling beneath the core.' It was just her way of helping me stay calm… keep control."

Draco scoffs at my words. We are friends, but he has never seen my anger.

He's never seen me loose it.

"Do you ever actually loose control? I swear, Nott, you are the most calm -"

He is interrupted by a knock on our compartment immediately followed by the door opening with a brutal slam against the wall.

"Hello," A bushy haired girl greeted us kindly, "Sorry to intrude. I was wondering if either of you had seen a toad?"

"A toad?" Draco drawls, obviously disgusted.

"Yes, a boy in the compartment just over has lost his toad, I believe his name is Trevor."

"Trevor?" He deadpans. Not a pretentious enough name for him, obviously.

"Yes, that's the toads name. Would you help us look for him?"

Draco is clearly trying to dismiss her… she did walk in on a pretty personal conversation. She doesn't seem to take the hint or she just doesn't care. She doesn't seem to be very perceptive…

"Why would I look for a toad for someone I don't even know? Who are you anyways? What family are you from?" His tone slightly softer. Slightly.

The girl giggles, "I suppose you're quite the reclusive two, aren't you? I'm Hermione Granger." She holds out her hand to me and for the life of me, I don't know why. I haven't spoken a word to her. I hold her hand lightly, "Theodore Nott."

I'm surprised by her forwardness. Like Narcissa, she doesn't seem to hold back. Our fingers graze and her hands are so… small and soft. Smooth. Then a smell washes over me, it's as if she has just stepped out of the shower mixed with a refreshing mint. It's taking over my senses and I can't help but wonder if the smell is really her. Our hands are still intact and I realize only too little too late.

"Nott, try not to jizz in your pants just yet, yeah? What family are you from?"

"Oh, yes. I'm a Granger. You wouldn't know my family though, would you? They are muggles." She smiles proudly. I cringe inwardly, waiting for Draco to say something insulting.

"I knew it." He snaps his hands together and nods his head with self-praise for being able to spot out a muggle-born. As if it's really that hard. Awkward, clueless, and unknown, that seems to be the general sort. Although, this girl seems to be confident and she's certainly made herself known.

"Please, Draco. Shut up." I finally find words and I know they are not what he wants to hear.

"Look, mate. I know you don't give a rat's ass but it doesn't matter because you can't talk to anyone like her." He gestures his head in her direction, "Ever. Keep it in the core, right?"

I look out the window. I refuse to look at this girl anymore; I can't imagine what she's thinking right now. I know Draco's right, but using my mother's words against me isn't something I take lightly. It's true, though, I can't befriend a muggle born. There goes feeling free of my father. Not that I came here to be friends with all the muggles, we don't exactly have much in common, do we? I would just like the option.

I want to be free.

"No. We don't want to help find a toad, Hermione. We don't want your kind around us, either." My words are empty but they get the job done. She runs from the room and I feel my stomach twist.

"I loathe that."

"It's not so bad. We'll get used to it… I know I'm protecting them as much as I am myself."

"What exactly are we protecting them from?"

"Well… You're protecting them from your father. I suppose my reasoning is more selfish, as always." He smiles but it doesn't touch his eyes, "I'm protecting my family name."

I don't know if he understands… he will. One day.

xx

"Are you sure, young Theodore?"

"Yes, yes, yes. I'm sure."

The words come across my mind and I can't help but feel it's not enough. It's not convincing enough.

"I am positive." I force the words to become firm.

"You know, there are great things in this mind of yours. You are smart, no doubt about that. You have kindness in your heart but there is something very troubling about you. Hmm…"

"Troubling?" I tense.

"Ah. Yes, I can see you're at war with yourself. There is much that you must face at Hogwarts… This is a crucial decision for you, I see. You're particularly determined to prove your worth, I have seen that in several Gryffindor's already..."

"Not Gryffindor. Not Gryffindor. Anything but Gryffindor."

"No? I must tell you, I believe you are making a mistake. You are brave and clever. You can use that in Slytherin of course – but, it would be much better to be paired with those who are more inline with your character."

"My character? What's wrong with my character? Why does that fit me with Gryffindor?"

"Nothing is wrong with your character... If you insist, it better be, SLYTHERIN!"

A sigh of relief overcomes me and I run to sit down next to Draco.

He wraps his arm around my shoulders and shakes me happily. His smile is broad and I can't help but feel mine match his.

I look up at the sorting hat and the bushy haired girl from the train is climbing up the stool. Once the hat is on her head it looks intrigued, no doubt debating where to put her. I wonder how long I actually sat up there.

"GRYFFINDOR!"

I jump and immediately wonder why I'm all over the place.

Draco nudges me in the ribs with his elbow, "You can't." He hisses under his breath.

"I know, Draco."

He knows me all too well. Maybe I'm just extremely obvious.

I fight the urge to talk to her after the sorting and feast. I hate that she's going to be laughed at simply because of her blood status. She probably doesn't even know yet. Maybe Gryffindor is where she should be.

It's where I should be.

I look over at the table and see that everyone is laughing.

"They are all so bloody happy." I mutter.

"Gryffindor's? Yeah, that's how they always are. Annoying little shits." One of the older Slytherins puts in.

Miles Bletchy comes over to congratulate me and says he will be writing his mother to tell her that I was sorted properly. Evelyn will be pleased, I know.

It doesn't shake the feeling I have in the pit of my stomach, though. I nod my head at Miles and look around the room. I lock eyes with the last person I expect, Harry Potter.

We only just acknowledge one another with a small incline of the head and then it's over as soon as it began. It's weird and I don't want to confront it but I have a feeling I will have to eventually. There's just something…

You should have picked Gryffindor.

No. I shouldn't have. I really shouldn't have. Slytherin was the right choice.

I look at Harry again and he's talking to Hermione and some red headed boy with dingy robes.

I sigh and look at my new classmates. This is going to be a good year. There is nothing that can prevent that. Nothing.

xx

The first night at Hogwarts is a blur. Draco and I hang out in my room for the better part of the night, looking out at the black lake through my window. It is an amazing view that is only offered in my dorm room. Most of the other guys do have a view, mine just happens to be larger. It over looks the part of the lake where the merpeople swim. I can't see their home, because from what Draco and I understand, they are very private… but we can see an area that they congregate around and I would certainly bet my life that it is the entrance to the mysterious living quarters.

"What do you think?"

"About what? About Hogwarts, this view, or about the other students?"

"You already know..."

"Of course..."

"I think it's going to be a good year."

"It's all I can hope for."

xx

I don't understand why I harbor this resentment towards Ronald Weasley, but I do. Maybe it's because he eats like a starved caveman. It's disgusting. I roll my eyes and look at my friends, if that's what you would call them. They've been flocking Draco's side and mine for the last two weeks. Vincent and Greg. They are revolting as well, but it's different. They annoy me, of course, but I don't feel it in my stomach with them, the hot turning and rolling of absolute loathing.

I look at the red head one last time before scoffing. I suppose there's at least one brute in every crowd. I search the house tables now, looking for other savages.

I spot a blonde Ravenclaw girl with food down her robes; she locks eyes with me and immediately looks away; embarrassed under my scrutiny. Moving on down my table I see Graham Montague with half a chicken breast hanging out of his mouth. Searching the faces of my housemates, I can see that I'm not the only one who is repulsed.

As if reading my thoughts, a black kid with high cheekbones slams his fork on the placemat with more force than necessary, "Did none of you cave dwellers take a simple etiquette lesson? This is bloody ridiculous!"

I laugh inwardly. This kid is in my year and he is either about to shine or crash and burn.

He catches Montague's eye and raises a hand as if to say, 'well?'

"Who do you think you're talking to? What, born with a silver spoon in your mouth were you?"

"Maybe so, but that doesn't mean you can't learn how to keep your food, oh, I don't know, IN YOUR BLOODY MOUTH! It's utterly sickening."

I can see this escalating quickly, Montague is older than us. He's also a friend with Flint, the bloke who is rumored to be next in charge of the quidditch team. I don't want to ruin my chances, but I won't be stepped on, if there's a time to prove myself, it would be now.

Except Draco beats me to it, "Seriously, we all know it's bloody disgusting. I can barely keep my appetite when I see you at the table."

Laughter ensues from both Vincent and Greg. Idiots. They act as if they aren't already holding their silverware like a carving knife.

"Oh look, little Malfoy wants his voice to be heard, big surprise there. How about you keep your mouth shut before I shut it for you, eh?" Graham snaps.

This has literally just tuned into a pissing contest.

I see Draco jump to rebuttal, but I know his smart mouth will do nothing but get him into trouble. I nudge his shoulder with mine, slightly, letting him know to stop. He immediately recoils and his mouth shuts like the door to an old attic with a short clack.

"Oh, what's this? Your little boyfriend keeps you in check, does he?"

There is laughter around the table and I feel heat rising in my chest. Why does everyone have to make everything such a big deal? I don't even give him the satisfaction of a response.

Surprisingly, Draco doesn't either. I look at him out of the corner of my eye and I see that he hasn't taken his eyes of Graham. His ears are practically steaming.

He continues trying to goad me now, "Look at me snookums," He waves two fingers from me to his eyes. "What, nothing to say, is it? Just wanting to make sure your little sweetie keeps his toe in line? I suppose I can thank you for that. You, my friend, can come sit with the big kids today if you'd like … maybe you can show us what it is you do so well that keeps baby Malfoy so happy. What's the name?"

There are chortles of laughter all around him.

I look him dead in the face and I refuse to bat an eye, much like Draco has already done.

Marcus Flint decides he wants to join the conversation. I can feel his eyes on me as he tells Graham, "This one, he's gonna have you chasing your dress robes around the castle if you don't leave him be."

"No, I don't think so, Flint. I think he's a pussy, just like the rest of them." He gives a chortle of laughter with specks of food flying out of his mouth. He's hysterical and I think he must really be an idiot. I believe you can tell a lot about a person by their sense of humor.

Keep it under control, Theo. There is no need to prove him wrong. Keep it hidden. Keep it buried. Keep the thunder rolling beneath.

I close my eyes and relax. When I open them again, everyone is still staring at me; I grab the nearest tongs and pick up a rather large chicken breast.

"I think it's time for a proper etiquette lesson, don't you?" I look to the black boy sitting directly across from me, "Sorry, I didn't catch your name?"

He smirks, "Zabini. Blaise Zabini."

"Alright, class. Can anyone tell me the most important rule?" I sneer, looking from Blaise to Draco and then catching the nervous eyes of a pretty brunette girl.

Draco raises his hand like the smart ass we all know he is. I can't refrain the smirk that graces my lips.

Two girls, sitting just one seat over from Draco, allow their jaws to drop simultaneously.

"Yes, yes, Mr. Malfoy, do you care to tell everyone?"

"Oh, yes, sir." He exaggerates, "The first step is to know what utensils to use. Right, Montague?"

"Now, now, we must be young gentleman at the table." I snort because this could end very badly and to keep from doing anything else, I can only laugh.

Zabini takes his queue, "For a Neanderthal, It's much easier to remember to just work your way from outside to the inside." He motions his hands to match his statement, outward and then inward.

I haven't looked at the older Slytherins but I can feel the holes they are staring through me. We are really putting on the dog at this point.

"Splendid! This is a very good tactic to use! Five points to Slytherin!"

Everyone around me seems to freeze.

"I believe… I… am the one to award house points… Nott."

My flawless posture that I was forced to obtain through regular beatings in the Nott manor becomes more flawless than I could have imagined.

Perfect posture will protect your spine. You must stand tall and straight, with your shoulders back. You must begin now or your spell work will be as mediocre as the mop of hair on your head.

I feel my eyes grow and I can see Marcus and Graham snickering.

I turn around, already expecting the worst. Well… maybe not the worst.

Snape.

"Do you care to explain… what… exactly… it is that you were… awarding points for?"

"…Proper etiquette, sir." I mutter.

"My office, after dinner."

I hold my breath as he begins to walk away. Just when I think he's gone I blow out a breath I didn't know I was holding in and then he's across from me, in Blaise Zabini's ear. Blaise nods his head. How did he get over there so fast?

"It is… indeed… 5 points to Slytherin… Continue on, Nott."

xx

When I emerge from Snape's office, I find a group of boys waiting outside. It's none other than my two assailants, as well as Miles and Cassius.

"Did you see the looks on their faces?" Blaise snickers as we walk through the dungeons.

"That was bloody brilliant, Nott!" Draco slaps me on the back.

"AND, Snape gave you points for it!" Cash throws his arm around my shoulders.

"They looked like they swallowed a vomit flavored Bertie Botts bean!" Miles throws his head back in an exaggerated display, laughing.

"What did Snape say? When you went to his office?"

Everyone gets quiet at once, waiting to hear the worst and hoping for the best.

"He said… Not to be so… utterly… stupid… again… because next time… he wont be… so…" I extend the pause, giving the perfect effect for my Snape impersonation.

"On with it, Nott!" Cash yells out impatiently.

"Lenient." I finish with a Snape inspired snarl.

"Right. Well, we won't fuck with them if they don't fuck with us." Draco says under his breath.

"I second that."

"Of course you do, Zabini, we all do. Let's go back to Nott's room. He's got the best view."

"How did you end up with the best view?" Miles raises an eyebrow.

"I dunno. I didn't care about what room I got." I shrug because it's the truth.

xx

There seems to be a new bond forming here, between Blaise, Draco and me. I can't say that I'm not surprised. I didn't expect to make a new friend so quickly, being that Draco is the one who does the talking. I do the assessing. I wonder what exactly it is that Blaise does?

Of course, as far as friends go, I have Miles Bletchy from years of association through our mothers, and his best friend happens to be Cassius Warrington.

Cassius wants to be called Cash. Some American fad or something, I don't know. Regardless, I don't like nicknames.

Draco has Greg and Vin following him around at every turn, as well as the prestigious, Pansy Parkinson. I scoff at the thought of Pansy. The name fits her well.

If there were anyone I could loathe more than Ronald Weasley, it would be her. She's a follower, someone who does everything based off of what everyone else does. She loves Draco because her parents think she should. It's pathetic.

Ron on the other hand, is an irrelevant toe rag. How can he treat her like that?

I see him, in class rolling his eyes when she answers a question and gets house points awarded. Shouldn't he be happy for that?

I can hear him, in the halls, gossiping about what a know-it-all she is. It's not a bad thing, to want to learn. Especially when you grew up with muggles.

Hide it, Theo. Bury it.

I shudder at the sound of my mothers voice and I can't help but look around to see if anyone noticed.

Luckily, this time, no one saw. Not that I know of anyways. I look back at my teacup, this is the hardest thing I've hard to do all school year and it's just now October.

McGonagall startles me with her piercing voice, "Granger! Great work! That will be ten points to Gryffindor. Another ten if you can tell us what Emeric Switch said about wand movements in 'A Beginners Guide to Transfiguration'?

I look up to see that she has successfully transfigured her teacup into a rat. Part of me is proud of her, for being a muggle born and being better than everyone else, but another part of me is conflicted. How is she better than I am? I've been around magic for my entire life.

She looks so smug. It's… cute.

Zabini pushes into me breaking my reverie from Hermione to look at him, "What is it, mate?"

Hermione goes on like the walking textbook she is, "It is important to make firm and decisive wand movements. Do not wiggle or twirl your wand unnecessarily, or the Transfiguration with certainly be unsuccessful, Professor."

"Very good! Another 10 points to Gryffindor! Up, up, now! Everyone put the teacups back where they belong and class is dismissed!"

"I… It's nothing."

"Don't let him lie to you, Zabini. He's got it for Granger. Bloody disgusting if you ask me."

"I don't have it for Hermione and I didn't ask you, Draco."

Blaise doesn't respond, just looks disinterested. I think this means he's thinking about it, rolling it over in his mind. The three of us may be getting close, but Draco is too self involved to notice his ticks yet. He only knows mine from years spent together.

Blaise may not know that I am trying to learn how to read him, now. I'd prefer to keep it that way. Though, I think he's trying to understand me as well…

xx

"Bloody Potter. I hate that git. He thinks he can do whatever he likes because his parents are dead."

I've been listening to Draco ramble on since it was announced that Harry Potter would play Gryffindor seeker. I'll admit, I'm jealous. Who wouldn't be? He's got to be the youngest seeker in a century! Not to mention, he has never even played before! Not on a team, not even a back yard game.

Of course, it doesn't bother me as much because I don't care about the seeker position. In our yard games, depending on how many people we have, I always play as a beater and Draco is the seeker.

"I mean honestly! Who does he think he is?"

I resist the temptation to roll my eyes. This is so worn out. I am beyond tired of talking about 'Potter'.

xx

"Blaise, is he ever going to get over this feud with Harry Potter?"

"Are you serious?" He snaps his eyes up from Hogwarts, A History and gives me an eat shit look. "Have you seen him today? You should have heard him in the great hall!"

"No.. I don't think I want to. That's why I was in the library."

"We BOTH know that's not why you were in there. You didn't want to get away from Draco. What you wanted was to get closer to-"

"Would you shut up?"

"Fine. I'll leave it, for now." He looks behind me, where Draco is currently plotting to get Harry expelled for being out after hours.

"I swear, if Draco doesn't get over himself in the next week I'm going to snap his neck myself. He would not shut up at lunch! 'Look! Look at Potter, what's he doing? Is that something muggle?' 'Weasley sure is up Potter's arse. Fucking lap dog.' 'Is Potter looking at me right now? Seriously?' 'WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT, POTTER!' I honestly don't think he was even looking at him, I think Malfoy just wanted him to." Blaise huffs and I can't believe what he's implying.

"Blaise. Never... Never again, don't say that. That name is banned from our circle until Draco can shut up." Blaise smirks and looks off behind me again.

"What name?"

Of course, Draco would come up behind me.

"It's nothing, we just want you to shut up about Potter for five minutes." I sigh.

"But! But.. It's not right! It's biased and unfair!"

"Then talk to Snape, he'll probably put you on the team himself." Blaise says roughly.

"Draco, just shut up about Harry Potter."

"Fine." He snaps and walks off.

Blaise chuckles quietly and I recline in my arm chair.

"What do you think he's going?"

"To find Potter, of course."

"Right. Where else would he go?" I close my eyes and roll my head, allowing my neck to pop in all the right places.

xx

"I can't believe there was a troll walking around Hogwarts!" Millicent fusses.

Internally, I scoff. What does she expect? We are at a school for magic. Nothing is perfect all the time.

"It was in the dungeons! Our domain!" Daphne squeals and I don't know if she was genuinely terrified or really excited about it. That face... She's always smiling. It's just creepy.

"You'll never guess who tried to fight it!" Pansy cackles, interrupting my thoughts.

Now Pansy has my attention and everyone else's, too. It is hard to believe I ever thought her to be attractive.

"Who?"

"That little mudblood from Gryffindor! She went after it herself! Of course, Saint Potter and his Weasel friend showed up and saved the day!"

She's obviously displeased to hear that they did anything decent, especially since Draco has not left the subject of Harry Potter alone.

"What a stupid bint!"

"For her to be so smart that was a bloody idiotic move."

What is wrong with her? Does she have a death wish? I can't really say that it wasn't a stupid move. There is no defending a Gryffindor, not a mudblood and not in the Slytherin commons. Who in our year can handle a troll like that alone? Yeah, mountain trolls are really stupid but that's part of what makes them so dangerous. She was being the bloody hero when she should have stayed with Harry. Of course, then Weasley would be there too and I can't stand him.

"Mate."

My thoughts continue to plague me until Draco slaps my knee.

"Mate."

I meet his eyes and he is staring at me curiously.

"My room. Now."

I groan and get up. He looks pissed. I wonder what 'Potter' did today.

"Zabini! Come on!" Draco snaps without looking back.

I glance behind me and see that no one is really bothered besides Miles and Cash, who are looking at Draco like he has three heads. I can't imagine what they think about us going off with out them… On some level I don't really care because I could never tell them what I think about pureblood supremacy, about how ridiculous the ideologies of our families are, I can't be the real me with them. I can't believe Blaise even knows that I have issues with it... Draco has such a big fucking mouth. I don't know what he thinks about it, but he doesn't seem to really care…

It's not that I don't think I could trust Miles with the issue, I just don't believe that he would agree with me. I know how he feels about muggles. I know what he thinks about them. He's not going to go out of his way to harm one or anything like wizards did in the past but that doesn't mean that he doesn't think that they are beneath him.

We walk into his room and I shut the door. Draco throws a silencing charm on the door and Blaise uses a locking spell for good measure.

"If I can't talk about bloody Potter, you can't think about mudblood Granger!"

Whirl around and look at him vehemently, "This is the last time I will warn you!" I glance at Blaise to see that he doesn't seem surprised by my outburst, "Don't call her that. And, that is definitely not the same thing as what ever obsession you have with Potter?"

"You know I have to call her that, Nott. Get over it. May as well be the same thing! They are both Gryffindors."

"No, Draco. You really don't. Not behind closed doors."

"Have it your way, then. You still can't think about that bitch."

"What the hell, Draco? Everyone was literally just having a conversation about her. What would you have me do? Walk out of the room? Yeah that wouldn't be obvious at all!"

"SO IT'S TRUE!" He shouts, throwing his arms about.

"What's true?" I am taken back. Did I just admit something? I really didn't…

"You just fucking said it right there. Didn't he Zabini?"

"Nott, I'm sorry man, but you may as well have just admitted that you do like her."

"FINE! I do fucking like her! Has this not been established already?" I'm infuriated. I don't put this in their faces. They dig it out of me, one incident at a time. It's like they want me to be this way. They want me to feel this way about her!

"I can't help it! ALRIGHT? What the hell am I supposed to do about it? She's always in my fucking face and you're always bringing the shit up!"

Draco is staring at me, slack jaw. I never curse. I never loose my control. Blaise is looking from me and back to Draco so fast I'm surprised he isn't suffering from whiplash.

"I'm sorry that I like a girl that is a self righteous know-it-all and I fucking respect it. I would do it, too! If I could do everything she can!"

My stomach is boiling and I don't think about calming down.

"I can't help it that I like that she's smart! I can't help that even though it pisses me off that she does better in every. Fucking. Class. Than we do and I admire it! I fucking admire the fact that she has never touched magic before now and she's already so much fucking better than I am!"

I take a deep breath, willing myself to leave this room, but it just isn't going to happen. Not today. Not right now. Not over this.

"I am supposed to be the best! My mother! My mother, she said I was the best. She said I would always over power! As long as I control it. As long as I master it. Master myself and my magic and I will be the best. And I can't fucking control it! I can't do shit!"

"AHHH!" I throw my hands in the air and I have the urge to hit something, to break anything with my hands. To kick something and watch it shatter.

Neither of them can take their eyes off me. They don't understand. Why would they? This does nothing but make my temper rise. I don't even notice that Draco's books and quills are floating in the air around me. I don't realize his furniture is cracking. I don't see anything but darkness. I am fucking pissed off. I scream my lungs out because I don't know what else to do. I hear commotion all around me and all I can think is that my mother lied to me. She fucking lied. I am not the best. I can't even transfigure a teacup into a rat.

"Nott! Nott! It's okay! It's not that serious!" Blaise is trying to calm me down and I can only imagine that Draco is still staring in shock.

"MALFOY! We have to do something! The fucking walls are shattering as well!"

Sounds are a blur and I can't stop. I can't reign in the darkness. I can't focus.

"Theo, buddy, its Blaise." His voice is rushed and labored. "I want you to know that I don't care. I don't think it's a big deal. I am on your side. Just take a breath. Calm down"

"Teddy! TEDDY!"

I'm on the floor and I think that one of them has tackled me. The build feels like Draco.

I feel a wisp of breath on the back of my ear, "Keep it inside, Teddy. Let the thunder roll beneath."

It's too little too late for that shit.

"Theo! Theo!"

Miles.

I remember when we were little and he would always try to get me to sneak into my father's office. I was never allowed in there. I told him so. Miles knew. He did, but he didn't at the same time. He knew I wasn't allowed, but he didn't understand the backlash that would come to me. He went in the office. I didn't go with him. I ran to mother instead.

I allow my memory to suck me in. The world around me fades away.

xx

"Theodore! Come on! You have to make it stop!"

"It's picking up! Everything is getting faster!"

"Let's get him out of here!"

"I don't think that will work!"

"We have to try!"

xx

Mother. Mother! Miles… he's in fathers office. Her face becomes frantic and she pushes me into my room. She runs after Miles. I wait for what feels like an eternity. Finally, mother and Miles come back into my room. His mother and father show up not long afterwards to bring him home. That night… That night was terrible.

xx

"What's the bloody hell happened?"

"Get Professor Snape! Go get Snape!"

"What's going on!" a girl cries out.

"He's destroying everything!"

"We need to leave him in one room! He's not going to harm himself!"

"How can you say that?"

"MILES! Stop trying to take him!"

"We can't fucking leave him, Cash!"

"Daphne! Shut the fuck up and go get Snape!"

xx

What did I tell you about my office boy? Where is it? Where is the book you took! I remain silent and I can feel the pain. I can feel the weakening of my knees until I collapse. I lay writhing in agony. Finally, when it feels like there can't be anything left of me, it stops. It's funny that I know this is a memory but I'm reliving it all. Reliving the pain. He does that thing to my head and I relive the last hour and a half in about five seconds. Your mother, she will be punished, boy. She brought the Bletchy family here and we can't have that. Not anymore.

xx

"Professor! We can't make him stop! I don't know what's happened!"

"Sir, he got mad about something and it's been a… storm in there ever since!"

"A storm?" His voice is the calm in the storm.

"Yes! Of all of Draco's things! Furniture is slamming into walls and his books are ruined!" a girl squeals, almost excitedly.

"Pansy! Shut up! You weren't even in there!"

"We tried to remove him from the room but it just got worse!"

"I personally think he needs to stay in there."

"SILENCE! Leave me with Theodore. Do not breathe a word of this to anyone. Is that understood…"

"Yes professor." It is said by almost everyone in unison.

"Parkinson?" He snaps, waiting for the response that is probably a lie.

"Yes, professor." She mutters, dejected.

xx

The Bletchy family will not be back.

"Father. Please, I didn't do it. I tried to make him stop. I told him not to do it."

"If you cannot keep your little sidekicks in line, Theodore, you are a disgrace." He moves his hand towards his wand and I wonder what spell is going to come at me this time.

"Thoros! Stop! He is just a boy!" My mother interjects before he can go any further.

"He is a boy that will grow up to be a man if we raise him correctly! If you keep up with this coddling, he will continue to be nothing!"

"He's my son just as much as his is yours! If not, then more so!"

Father's eyes darken and his jaw clenches. He is angry and I know this wont end well tonight. "And, would you like to explain to me, why you would say something to that effect? Why, would you dare to assume that he is not here simply because he is MY heir?"

"Thoros, please. I will give you anything you desire, so long as you do not hurt my son anymore."

It is painful to see Mother groveling like this. She's always been so strong. What's wrong with her? What's different?

"You have had your chance to give me what I wanted! It is too late, Karenina! You have betrayed me!"

"You know everything I have done has been in the best interest for this family! I am trying!"

"ENOUGH! I HAVE HAD IT WOMAN! THAT IS ENOUGH!"

I debate on running out of the room but I'm scared he will just leave mother and come to find me. Or worse, he won't come find me at all and he will just hurt her. The longer he has to search for me the worse it will be… there really is no point in hiding this time.

"I do love you! Please, don't take this out on Teddy."

"Look at you! Giving off little nicknames! Nott's are always dignified! Impeccable! Nott's are a model for others to follow!"

"Look at him! He is flawless! He is without fault! It doesn't take a beating to make him understand! All we have to do is tell him. Have you not seen it? Have you not realized how wonderfully clever he is?"

"SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH! You know exactly what the problem is! You know exactly what is wrong with him! You fucking whore!"

He backhands mother and she falls to the floor, hitting the detailed furnishing of the coffee table with her head along the way. Then, father points his wand at me and I freeze. I don't know what's coming. What will he do this time?

"Rennervate"

I jolt upwards and inhale deeply. I'm grateful to have been able to avoid the rest of that memory. That horrible night… that was the last time I had a friend over. Shortly afterwards, mother passed… I look around the room I'm in and it almost reminds me of my father's study. I shiver involuntarily. There are not necessarily dark artifacts in this room, but it definitely has a quality that makes me think of his office.

I sit straight up and look to check my surroundings. I find none other than the frozen form on Professor Snape sitting behind a desk.

"Professor." My throat is dry and my voice cracks. I'm not surprised to see him; it definitely explains the characteristics of this room.

"Nott, do you know what has happened to allow you to wake in my office?" He hands me a glass of water and I chug it all down. It magically refills itself and I drink another glass. I think back and all I remember is getting angry with myself. I know I went off on Draco and Blaise, but I'm truly angry with myself.

"I got pretty worked up in Draco's room…" I say feeling embarrassed.

"Yes, you did… By the time Miss Greengrass arrived in my quarters to retrieve me you had everything in Malfoy's room nearly leveled." He pauses to study me and I give him no response. I try to keep my emotions in check and I hope he doesn't see through me.

I'm still shaken from the memory that I was just reliving. I don't think things will ever be the same for Miles and me.

Control. I must remain in control. I can't believe I lost it like that. I've never had such a breakdown. I've never done anything like this.

"Do you know what I saw when I came to collect you?"

"No, sir." I can only imagine...

"You, convulsing on the floor, young Malfoy's personal items flying around the dorm, the walls with ruptures, furniture with fissures, I could go on, if you desire."

"No, I think I get it."

"Has this happened before?"

"No." I turn my head and look away from him. This is humiliating.

"Do not lie to me."

"It's never been that bad…"

"So, it has happened before?"

"Sort of."

"Explain it for me."

"I blacked out. That's it. Nothing was broken when I woke up."

""Are you sure about that? Are you positive there was no one there to fix the disaster you may have made?"

"I'm not sure… The house elf may have mended items. No one ever talked about it."

"Theodore, who was there, besides the elf, when you 'blacked out', as you so eloquently put it?"

"Father."

"And that was it?"

"Yes… It was just after… Ehm." I clear my throat and look at the glass that is slowly refilling itself with water now.

"Enough. I do not think this needs any further explanation."

He continues to stare at me, transfixed.

"What's wrong with me?"

"There is nothing wrong with you, boy… This is… brilliant."

"What?"

"You have the capacity to be... very strong."

My heart actually sinks as my head inflates. I am happy but I am also terrified. I'm different. Mother didn't lie after all.

"You can be... If you learn how to mask your emotions and control your magic," he says sharply.

There it is again. Control.

"What do you mean? How-"

"Enough. I can explain it all to you in due time. It takes a lot of practice to master the art of magic."

"So it's not me? I'm not mediocre, then? I -"

"You and I both know that you are dismal in charms. You need to practice more, though I could say better men have been worse. It is not the same type of magic. You seem to be… harboring a lot of power that you are struggling to release in the proper ways."

We sit in silence and I don't know what to do or how to act. He still hasn't really told me anything. I check the time to see that it is 5 in the morning.

How long was it before he came in and got me? How long before I could have hurt someone. Maybe I already did hurt someone...

"Did I... Is everyone okay?"

He looks surprised by my words. "Yes..." Its long and drawn out in a curious tone.

"Okay, that's... good."

He acts as if I didn't say anything and starts shuffling through papers on his desk, "You and I will commence to have weekly meetings, Nott. I will work with you on your restraint. It is not necessary to begin straight away as I feel that your peers will not try to cross you again, also, I believe you are much to exhausted to start tonight."

"Thank you, sir. May I ask... what makes me so much different than anyone else? We are all witches and wizards..."

"You, Theodore, have both power that can be learned and used through a wand as your classmates are all doing and you also have power of the mind. There are several different extensions to this, you may possess them all, or you may only possess one. Only time will tell."

"What is it called, sir? The power of the mind?"

"It is not well known in our world… many do not feel that it is any more beneficial than learning to use magic through your wand."

I give a short nod, "Thank you, Professor."

"Yes, yes. Go to your room. Get some sleep. You have a big day ahead."

xx

I make my way back to the common room and there is an eerie silence that seems to be following me around.

Deep waters are silent.

The thought flits across my mind and I realize… this shit is deep. It's a gaping hole in the earth and I want nothing more than to pack it with all dirt and grime that I can. I don't want this insatiable bottomless pit anymore. I want everything to be easy.

I hear my mother's words and they are spoken softly like a caress.

It's never easy, Theodore.

I walk by Draco's door and hesitate. I don't know if I want to go in… I don't want to see the mass destruction. Will it still be there? Or will they have cleaned it up?

My hands move of their own accord and I'm pushing open his door. Magically, I'm sure, the room is in mint condition. It looks as if nothing was taken out of place. I stand still, waiting for nothing but wishing there was something at the same time.

I'm embarrassed as hell and I'm sure this will be all that anyone can talk about tomorrow.

Maybe I'll just hide in my room all day. That would certainly be easier.

Hermione will know. I heave a sigh and Draco's head pops up.

"Mate." He grumbles, clearly trying to shake off his slumber.

I nod my head; there are no words to explain anything right now.

"It's fine." He blinks and props himself up on his elbows.

I bark a sarcastic laugh, "Yeah. Right. Come have a mental breakdown and destroy all my things, we'll laugh about it later."

Draco groans sleepily, not interested in my remarks, "Shut up. You sound like a bint. Nobody cares."

"Now I know you're lying."

"Okay. Parkinson cared."

"Parkinson? Great. Just bloody fantastic." I'm exasperated. It's not like I didn't think she would find out… but the fact that she knows well before most people, makes it worse. She can tell everyone what happened in her own words. She will be able to exaggerate in all the right places.

"She's not going to tell anyone." He sits up groggily and motions me over.

I walk in long strides to his bed and sit down with a huff. My theatrics tonight are through the roof, aren't they?

"Isn't she?" I look down at my folded hands and I can't help but imagine that all these good things that I have been provided with at Hogwarts are about to be ripped out from beneath me. The good things never last.

"No. Blaise and I have already threatened her in ways that only a Slytherin can." He shakes his head and looks at me seriously, "If she thinks she can say anything to anyone she'll be Oblivated."

"Draco, that seems extreme, even for Parkinson. I don't think-"

"No. You obviously don't think. You know how it is. Your reputation is everything and it's yours or hers. I pick yours mate. I did manage to make sure she knew that neither of us had ever performed the charm before… so if we do have to use it, there is no telling what we will remove."

I laugh.

He's right. That's the only way we can play this because that is Pansy's game. The only game she knows how to cooperate in. I finally lock eyes with him and I notice that he's probably been staring at me this whole time. I can't look away. Now that I've gotten the nerve to look up at him, I don't want to look away.

His eyes soften and my resolve breaks. How can Draco put me at such ease?

He breaks the silence, "Tell me what the hell that was."

"I don't know…" He doesn't look convinced. "Really. I have to do some research to be sure. But, I think it's kind of similar to magic build up like when we were little. Throw a tantrum and release uncontrollable magic."

"Are you comparing what you did to a temper tantrum?" Draco laughs and it sounds forced. It sounds as if he's doing it for my benefit. I cringe at the thought.

"You know what I meant you toad." I push into him with my shoulder and he sways with me.

"Yeah, maybe. But, you know how to control your magic now." He scoffs, as if being unable to reign in my powers is supposed to be simple.

Maybe it is simple to someone normal, like Draco. For someone like me nothing is ever that easy.

"Magic that I perform with my wand, yes. Magic that I control with my mind, no." A feeling of irritation starts growing in my stomach because he doesn't understand.

"Same thing, Nott."

"Afraid not, Draco." I cut him short, impatience in my voice becoming obvious.

Calm down, Theodore... Keep it in your core.

He looks at me with wide eyes and I can tell he's thinking of the possibilities.

"What?" Light bulb. Now, he gets it. He realizes it's something else. My anger is sated.

For now.

"I don't really know, like I said. I need to do some research." I look away again, searching the room for any sign of a disaster. Searching for any notion that there was destruction here.

"What did Snape tell you? What are you not telling me?"

"I can't explain it right now… I don't know myself."

"Theo." He's demanding now.

"Draco."

"Tell me. You know you can depend on me."

It's so hard when he puts it like that. Why can't he let me be? Why won't he let me figure my issues out on my own? Why is he so… intuitive? Are my thoughts written across my face? Am I that easy to read?

"Fine. I'll tell you what I do know… It's basically the same thing my mother always implied to me. I have strength that others don't. I just can't use them because of two reasons. One, I don't know what they are, and two, I can't control them."

"That's… bloody insane, wicked, but all the same, that's… I'm… Wow. Ted!"

"You read my mind, mate." I roll my eyes at his excitement. This is terrible timing.

There's a moment of silence and I realize this is why Draco and I are friends. He truly is a good person. He's just a cunty bastard. I mean, we are Slytherins, yeah? He brings out a truth in me and I think I bring out what little modesty he has. Though, I wont allow his ridiculous facade when it's the two of us, or even us and Blaise.

"Out, Theo."

I chuckle, "And just when I was thinking what a good friend you are."

"I am a great friend, Nott. You just need your rest. Out you go, get on to bed." He pushes me off the bed and I manage to catch my footing before I hit the floor.

"Night, mate."

"Yeah, yeah, get out, Theo." He barks at me.

Ever the charmer that one is.

xx

I'm sitting in a gaudy green and black chair in Snape's office.

"We will begin with Occlumency, Nott. I believe this to be the best course of action for now. Can you tell me what Occlumency is?" He drawls, lazily, waiting for me to say no. What 11 year-old knows about Occlumency to the extent that I do?

Occlumency, though… Is this a freaking joke?

"It's the magical defense of the mind against external penetration. It's highly useful when you want to hide something." I recite unhappily from memory.

"Very… nice. Someone did do their homework." I know that he's surprised but he hides it well.

"Yes, sir."

I don't bother to mention Narcissa has begun to teach me… the thought makes me uncomfortable. Surely he can't break my walls. He can't see her. Narcissa. Father. Mother. The beatings.

Control it!

Why is this what everyone wants to do to me? Why does everyone want to see into my mind? Why is this the way it has to be?

Keep it in the core.

"Sir, is it necessary that we begin with this?"

"Oh, yes. I'll not have any of these lessons to be accessed or influenced once you know what you are doing. We begin here and then we move forward to see what you can really do."

I nod my head stiffly. I hate this. I hate this. I hate it.

"I can see you're getting worked up already. Calm yourself. Letting your emotions come to play will only make this harder on you. Become… numb. Do not feel. You will suppress your natural instincts in this room."

He motions for me to stand up and I do, albeit slowly. Taking my time in order to focus on locking my mind down tight. I run through all my thoughts, closing the door to each behind me as I go. I'm making a maze, an impossible maze; one with locked doors and hidden keys.

I find myself standing in the center of the room, facing Professor Snape's desk.

"Very well then. Let's begin. I want you to free your mind of all thought. Remove yourself from the situation."

"Yes, sir." my voice is quiet but I know he has heard me.

His wand is pointed directly at me and I brace myself for the intrusion.

Legilimens

My mind is reeling. I have a system. I'm running through the gardens in front of the maze and I feel Snape trying to force me into the opening of the puzzle. The walls are too tall to climb and too sturdy to break through. I've made them strong as steel.

So I thought.

I feel myself weakening and I can't imagine that I can last much longer. Already, I know that I have done an injustice to his strength in this skill. He is much more talented than Narcissa. I feel the urge to satisfy him in some way and I try to fight it. I retreat from the maze entrance. I'm running into the unknown and I worry that this is not a good idea. I'm fighting him in the only way I know how. I've overestimated my strength. I have definitely diminished since practicing at the Manor. I suppose that's what months of not practicing does…

The seed of doubt is planted and my stamina wavers significantly. I find myself in the mouth of the maze. It's as if I have risen out of my body and I'm watching myself. It's weird. I'm watching myself, in my mind. I don't linger on these thoughts; I will only get carried away. That will no doubt make it even easier for him to get deeper.

The main door clicks and swings open wide.

He's made it through the entrance and takes the first left in the maze; I can feel him walking slowly but I know it's filled with purpose. He looks at a maroon door, which is locked and pauses. The pause isn't long enough for me to build up any resistance.

There is a flash of maroon and then we are standing in the center of a memory.

I see Narcissa, she's practicing with me and I mentally berate myself, knowing Professor Snape can hear all of my thoughts. He's lingering in the background. He's not flipping through thoughts like Narcissa did. He's waiting to strike. It's like he's waiting for the weakest moment. I freeze and I imagine myself doing almost anything else because I know, at this point, I would rather show him anything else.

I'm in Draco's room at the manor. He's going on about how great Hogwarts will be and I'm mindlessly agreeing. Professor Snape has seen enough of that, clearly, because he begins to flit through my mind. It's a series of faces: Draco, Narcissa, Lucius, Blaise, Narcissa, Mother, Narcissa, Mother, Father, Mother, Father, and Father, and Father.

The many twisted faces of my father are flashing though my mind and I'm loosing it. I'm loosing all control. He has worn me down and he knows it. He has taken complete command.

Was this his intention all along? Was this the purpose?

It's a stinging hex on my back at seven.

Flash

It's an unforgivable at nine.

Flash

It's a physical assault when I'm not looking.

Flash

It's the torture curse.

Flash

You're a worthless excuse for my pureblood.

Flash

There's a stain on my shirt and I feel the sting of the slap before it hits my face. Nott's are impeccable.

Flash

It's a glamour charm before we go to Diagon.

Flash

My house elf is taking the brunt of father's anger for me.

Flash

It's my mother, whispering to me, the memory that I don't know anything about. I need to latch on to that… one day. Not today, I take what little strength I have and remove it from view.

Flash

Father's voice is gruff, Imperio

Flash

And just like every time before it is this word that allows me to regain control of my mind. I come to and I realize I've collapsed on the floor. I look up at Professor Snape who looks as if he just swallowed a porcupine. I'm uncomfortable and I want nothing more than to leave.

I don't want to hear his words. I don't want the pity. I don't want any of it.

My body is slick with sweat.

"You've already begun practicing, have you, Theodore?"

"Yes, sir." I pant. I need water. He conjures a glass and wordlessly fills it to the brim with water. I sit up on the floor and drink it down quickly.

"How many times?"

"I can't be sure, every day for two weeks before I started Hogwarts."

"You have done well, but I have different techniques to show you. Next week. Same time. Don't be late."

"Yes, professor."

I set the glass down harder than intended and walk out of his study unapologetically. Walking through the corridors I can't help but think that this was his plan all along. I don't want to face that again. I don't want to go to another "lesson"…

xx


End file.
